Tomorrow I turn 67, and I have noticed an unsettling wafting its way into my aging age and now Covid filled days. It appears I’m disappearing.
So what if I haven’t worked since March.
So what if I’ve gained 8 pounds.
So what if I’ve pulled a muscle that won’t unpull, and with the gyms closed, I have a great reason to not exercise.
So what if I’m not connecting with people as much and the English language seems foreign.
So what if I can’t pull up the right words and say things like,” I’m using that doo-hicky to make that gooey stuff.”
So what if I have completely, absolutely NO recollection of booking two airline tickets back east that’s leaving in 13 days…!!
So what!
As I age, I have found myself calmer and gloriously disconnected from all the crap that used to eat me up. Acceptance is empowering, and acceptance can be debilitating.
Entering Covid, I went for long, lovely walks, ordered coffees and followed routes that offered bathrooms. I read, zoomed, cleaned, and rested.
Until I didn’t.
Netflixed edged its way into every corner of my cranium and brought along friends, HBOmax, Amazon, Hulu, and Disney+. I stopped reading. I stopped connecting. I sat, puttered, and Old seized my joints and, much worse, my outlook on life. My perception of Me started to look like my mother when she turned beyond Senior Citizen into the Realm of the Elderly. She had her pants on backward and crumbs on her clothes and asked the same question repeatedly as I rolled my eyes and grit my teeth.
Last night, I felt all tottery and withery. Watching a movie, I found I was clutching a blankie to my chest. Lumbering up the stairs for bedtime, I was heaven-slammed with a thought:
“RISE UP, WOMAN, AND TAKE THIS SPACE THAT’S BEEN CREATED FOR YOU! THIS SPACE THAT NO ONE ELSE ON THIS EARTH CAN FILL!”
A breath so deep swallowed me.
Hey folks, guess what? I’m not going down without a fight, one filled with acceptance of things I can’t change, and total war against the things I can.
I must seize this day, or the day will seize me.
My yoga mat is out.
It’s a good start.