This phrase has been playing on repeat in my mind the last couple days. Where did it come from? It feels like it’s coming from angry threatening voices. It’s all a bit mirky…Oh yeah, now I remember…
Bad behavior, talking back, unacceptable grades or just about anything that would anger or embarrass my parents warranted:
“Stop crying or I’ll really give you something to cry about!”
“Don’t make me get the belt” then before the imminent butt wallop, “This will hurt me more than in hurts you.” or “I’m doing this because I love you.” (My father later apologized for spanking us in rage.)
“How can you treat me this way after all I’ve done for you? After all the pain I suffered bringing you into this world.” and the ever guilt-inducing, “What will the neighbors think?
Then the name calling surfaced. “Dumb Bunny, Dim Bulb, Dimwit, Nitwit, Dingbat, Numbskull, all spoken over us with disgust and contempt, and as we shut down our emotions a bit of our soul disintegrated. The punishment and threats did provide sterling behavior but only camouflaged a rebellious and rancid rage growing beneath.
I know I’m not the only one here with this story and while I know my parents did the best with what they knew at that time, and they did provide us with wonderful adventures and warm memories, I don’t fully understand the story they carried through their adult lives and into our family that affected their need to control and manipulate. But I do know after being a parent myself, and the discipline measures I used, had I known better, I seriously would have done better!
Many of us in the sixties were “disciplined” with spankings, shaming or sucking on bars of soap. (My mother used pink Dial soap because it matched the bathroom countertops. Little did we know about the toxicity of those pretty little bars. https://clickamericana.com/topics/beauty-fashion/vintage-dial-soap).
I poked around a bit and found a few long term effects from verbal and physical punishments…
- Damages dignity, self-respect, self-esteem, and sense of a positive identity.
- Destroys a sense of fairness and justice.
- A child may try to avoid physical punishment by lying. https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/discipline-and-children#the-consequences-of-physical-punishment
I believed all this was quite normal growing up until noticing a few years back how children are disciplined in today’s climate. My reaction to swat a tantrum or shame a feeling is an impulse that still breathes in me. “Don’t cry or don’t be angry” equals don’t feel, plaster a smile on your face and just be happy.
But currently I watch my daughters help their children identify, validate, and feel their feelings while gently guiding them through this maze we call growing up. Don’t get me wrong, I do see the tantrums, but instead of spanking or sending them to their room, I watch them being given a space to process whatever their frustration is. I am viewing my grandchildren grow in self-assurance, confidence and into delightful human beings. I am learning a different way and while it seems positive discipline takes a lot more effort, I believe in the outcome may:
- Teach children responsibility, self-discipline, problem-solving skills, and cooperation.
- Build trust and strengthens relationships, helping form new connections in a child’s brain.
- Build and maintains self-esteem.
- Teach children how to manage their emotions
- Teach children to deal with stress in healthy ways. https://www.earlydevelopment.org/what-is-positive-discipline/
Many of us continue to uncover, expose and air out the damaging effects from the corporal punishment we endured in the 60’s. It’s taken awhile but as I shed these embedded toxic messages that murmur, “Your behavior outweighs the sum of who you are (your performance overshadows your existence) or the driving force for you to look good, young lady only warps your ability for true authenticity, do I emerge head to toe who I my Creator had in mind when I was placed on this earth.
And for your entertainment, the origin of the title of this blog:
